Horrorscopes for June

It's that time of the month again. My Magick 8 Ball is on the rag, I don't have any tampons handy, and here's what leaked out:





Aries: Your doctor will infect you with a flesh eating virus during your prostate/coochie exam.


Taurus: The glove compartment of your car is a gateway to the realm of the undead. Seek an exorcist immediately.


Gemini: Beware of penises. One may shoot you in the eye, cause you to go blind, and wander into a bear trap, where you will stay wounded until fire ants slowly eat you alive.


Cancer: Pluto is in retrograde, possibly frustrated at being demoted from being a planet. In turn, dogs have become more volatile then usual. If one tries to sniff your crotch, cover it and run!


Leo: Loose lips sink ships, but loose pussy often carries STDs.


Virgo: Buy a helmet and do not remove it for the next 3 months. Also, avoid any place where pianos are stored up high.


Libra: To avoid being mistaken for a member of an opposing gang, only leave the house naked. If that isn't an option, dress like a mime. Everyone loves to watch a mime being brutally beaten.


Scorpio: Don't piss off anyone that prepares or serves your food.


Sagittarius: You're at risk of being burnt at the stake as a witch. Avoid technology and independent thought.


Capricorn: Sesame Street has became a gay cruising area. The Count, unhappy with this, has forsaken counting numbers and is now seeking blood. Could you be his next victim?


Aquarius: Lions, and tigers, and bears! Oh, my! Lions, and tigers, and bears! Oh, my! Need I say more? No camping this month.


Pisces: Do not eat Mexican food. The fumes of your own farts may eat away at the very fabric of time and space and suck you into a black hole... Or you may simply drown in a pool of your own anal leakage.