Horrorscopes for July

My Ouija Board was burnt to a crisp last night via hellfire after I decided to try and convince a demon to come over for a booty call. So, unfortunately, I had to use my Etch-a-Sketch as a divining tool to get these Horrorscopes. Sometimes, I have to make due with whatever I have handy and here they are:



Aries: You will be ganked by a group of Ninja.


Taurus: Guitar strings, the number #1 killer among retarded musicians.


Gemini: Your other personality is suicidal. Drinking or sleeping could be it's chance to take over and end you both.


Cancer: You will choke to death on edible underwear.


Leo: Upon entering your local Wal-Mart, the greeter will have a heart attack and die. You will be blamed and get the death sentence. Welcome to the American judicial system.


Virgo: You will be eaten alive by rabid blood thirsty squirrels. To be safe, burn all the trees in your yard.


Libra: Choking to death on pubic hairs could be your demise. Avoid anyone that resembles a 70s porn star.


Scorpio: Fire+alcohol=fun but deadly.


Sagittarius: Same as Scorpio but factor in a man in a bear costume into the equation.


Capricorn: Your worst enemy wears a funny hat. If you happen to see the Pope, shoot first and ask questions later.


Aquarius: Keep your ass covered at all times. The mole people have come to the surface and might use it as a hiding place.


Pisces: This month's death is brought to you by the letter S. As in snakes, spiders, and serial killers. Avoid anything that starts with the letter S. Don't sing, don't sew, and definitely don't sell any seashells by the seashore or you will be eaten by a shark.