I have seen the future and it is bleak. But no future is set in stone. Hopefully, by reading these, you will escape your preordained grizzly demise and live to see another day. Without further ado, here are your new Horrorscopes:
Aries: Uranus is in retrograde, beware of gerbils.
Taurus: Do not sleep or clowns will eat you.
Gemini: You are at risk of zombie attack. Burning your local cemetery is advised.
Cancer: Scissors may be your undoing. Don't get any haircuts... Running with them, however, is acceptable.
Leo: Your eyes deceive you. To ease the confusion, try driving blindfolded. It worked for Luke Skywalker, right?
Virgo: Your mirror is actually a portal to an evil parallel dimension. Destroy it and anyone you see in it.
Libra: Penguins, lovable flightless birds or insurmountable evil in disguise? Regardless, if you wear a tuxedo, one may rape you.
Scorpio: Your dog is a werewolf, buy silver bullets and don't make it angry.
Sagittarius: Communist spies have infiltrated your work. Speak nothing but Pig-Latin there or they shall surely enslave us all.
Capricorn: Intergalactic space pirates will kidnap you for your pocket lint. Avoid wearing pants at all costs.
Aquarius: You will be devoured alive by wolves, or at least in your mind. Stay off hallucinogens and, remember, don't take candy from strangers.
Pisces: A super-intelligent strain of bioengineered spiders will make you their messiah. However, their religion dictates they eat their deities.
Aries: Uranus is in retrograde, beware of gerbils.
Taurus: Do not sleep or clowns will eat you.
Gemini: You are at risk of zombie attack. Burning your local cemetery is advised.
Cancer: Scissors may be your undoing. Don't get any haircuts... Running with them, however, is acceptable.
Leo: Your eyes deceive you. To ease the confusion, try driving blindfolded. It worked for Luke Skywalker, right?
Virgo: Your mirror is actually a portal to an evil parallel dimension. Destroy it and anyone you see in it.
Libra: Penguins, lovable flightless birds or insurmountable evil in disguise? Regardless, if you wear a tuxedo, one may rape you.
Scorpio: Your dog is a werewolf, buy silver bullets and don't make it angry.
Sagittarius: Communist spies have infiltrated your work. Speak nothing but Pig-Latin there or they shall surely enslave us all.
Capricorn: Intergalactic space pirates will kidnap you for your pocket lint. Avoid wearing pants at all costs.
Aquarius: You will be devoured alive by wolves, or at least in your mind. Stay off hallucinogens and, remember, don't take candy from strangers.
Pisces: A super-intelligent strain of bioengineered spiders will make you their messiah. However, their religion dictates they eat their deities.
