My Ouija Board was burnt to a crisp last night via hellfire after I decided to try and convince a demon to come over for a booty call. So, unfortunately, I had to use my Etch-a-Sketch as a divining tool to get these Horrorscopes. Sometimes, I have to make due with whatever I have handy and here they are:
Aries: You will be ganked by a group of Ninja.
Taurus: Guitar strings, the number #1 killer among retarded musicians.
Gemini: Your other personality is suicidal. Drinking or sleeping could be it's chance to take over and end you both.
Cancer: You will choke to death on edible underwear.
Leo: Upon entering your local Wal-Mart, the greeter will have a heart attack and die. You will be blamed and get the death sentence. Welcome to the American judicial system.
Virgo: You will be eaten alive by rabid blood thirsty squirrels. To be safe, burn all the trees in your yard.
Libra: Choking to death on pubic hairs could be your demise. Avoid anyone that resembles a 70s porn star.
Scorpio: Fire+alcohol=fun but deadly.
Sagittarius: Same as Scorpio but factor in a man in a bear costume into the equation.
Capricorn: Your worst enemy wears a funny hat. If you happen to see the Pope, shoot first and ask questions later.
Aquarius: Keep your ass covered at all times. The mole people have come to the surface and might use it as a hiding place.
Pisces: This month's death is brought to you by the letter S. As in snakes, spiders, and serial killers. Avoid anything that starts with the letter S. Don't sing, don't sew, and definitely don't sell any seashells by the seashore or you will be eaten by a shark.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Horrorscopes for June
It's that time of the month again. My Magick 8 Ball is on the rag, I don't have any tampons handy, and here's what leaked out:
Aries: Your doctor will infect you with a flesh eating virus during your prostate/coochie exam.
Taurus: The glove compartment of your car is a gateway to the realm of the undead. Seek an exorcist immediately.
Gemini: Beware of penises. One may shoot you in the eye, cause you to go blind, and wander into a bear trap, where you will stay wounded until fire ants slowly eat you alive.
Cancer: Pluto is in retrograde, possibly frustrated at being demoted from being a planet. In turn, dogs have become more volatile then usual. If one tries to sniff your crotch, cover it and run!
Leo: Loose lips sink ships, but loose pussy often carries STDs.
Virgo: Buy a helmet and do not remove it for the next 3 months. Also, avoid any place where pianos are stored up high.
Libra: To avoid being mistaken for a member of an opposing gang, only leave the house naked. If that isn't an option, dress like a mime. Everyone loves to watch a mime being brutally beaten.
Scorpio: Don't piss off anyone that prepares or serves your food.
Sagittarius: You're at risk of being burnt at the stake as a witch. Avoid technology and independent thought.
Capricorn: Sesame Street has became a gay cruising area. The Count, unhappy with this, has forsaken counting numbers and is now seeking blood. Could you be his next victim?
Aquarius: Lions, and tigers, and bears! Oh, my! Lions, and tigers, and bears! Oh, my! Need I say more? No camping this month.
Pisces: Do not eat Mexican food. The fumes of your own farts may eat away at the very fabric of time and space and suck you into a black hole... Or you may simply drown in a pool of your own anal leakage.
Aries: Your doctor will infect you with a flesh eating virus during your prostate/coochie exam.
Taurus: The glove compartment of your car is a gateway to the realm of the undead. Seek an exorcist immediately.
Gemini: Beware of penises. One may shoot you in the eye, cause you to go blind, and wander into a bear trap, where you will stay wounded until fire ants slowly eat you alive.
Cancer: Pluto is in retrograde, possibly frustrated at being demoted from being a planet. In turn, dogs have become more volatile then usual. If one tries to sniff your crotch, cover it and run!
Leo: Loose lips sink ships, but loose pussy often carries STDs.
Virgo: Buy a helmet and do not remove it for the next 3 months. Also, avoid any place where pianos are stored up high.
Libra: To avoid being mistaken for a member of an opposing gang, only leave the house naked. If that isn't an option, dress like a mime. Everyone loves to watch a mime being brutally beaten.
Scorpio: Don't piss off anyone that prepares or serves your food.
Sagittarius: You're at risk of being burnt at the stake as a witch. Avoid technology and independent thought.
Capricorn: Sesame Street has became a gay cruising area. The Count, unhappy with this, has forsaken counting numbers and is now seeking blood. Could you be his next victim?
Aquarius: Lions, and tigers, and bears! Oh, my! Lions, and tigers, and bears! Oh, my! Need I say more? No camping this month.
Pisces: Do not eat Mexican food. The fumes of your own farts may eat away at the very fabric of time and space and suck you into a black hole... Or you may simply drown in a pool of your own anal leakage.
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